♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Ma, what are you doing?
Filling sandbags, Dorothy. There's a hurricane a-coming.
"A-coming"?
That's right. People only use the "A"
when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing.
So grab a sack and start a-shoveling.
Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.
Ida Pearlberg down at the senior center
woke up this morning with a leg cramp.
Need I say more?
Yes.
Dorothy, when you get around my age, two things happen.
One, you get more intuitive about the weather.
And two, corn becomes your enemy.
Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-coming...
Don't patronize me.
I'm not patronizing you. I'm a-mocking you.
Look, Ma, if there is a hurricane coming,
it's not gonna get here for a while.
So, come on, sit down and relax.
Okay.
I'm glad we have this quiet time before the storm hits,
because there's something I'd like to tell you.
What, Ma?
I always thought of us as the Gabors.
Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.
No, hear me out.
I'm Jolie, the mother.
Your sister Gloria, she's Zsa Zsa.
And Eva... Well, Eva was, of course, your brother, Phil.
I'm not a Gabor?
You're telling me.
Listen, big news.
Zsa Zsa's coming to town.
Gloria is coming here?
I wish I knew why you two didn't get along.
I just don't understand it.
For some reason, you've always been jealous of my good daughter.
Ma, she makes me crazy.
She's always putting down my way of life,
my--my choice of career.
She's never been there for me when I've needed her. Never.
And all she ever talks about is how much money she has.
Dorothy, there's upsetting news. She's broke.
She invested all her money in junk bonds,
and now she's broke.
She has no money?
Not a dime. Yes!
Well, this is it.
My last session with Stan and the psychiatrist.
How do I look?
Oh, fine. Why?
It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist.
You wear black, they think you're depressed.
You wear red, they think you're angry.
You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.
Why aren't you arrested more?
Anyway, Dr. Halperin is really working wonders with Stan.
You know, he's gotten him to transfer
his love for me to a fake monkey.
What are you talkin' about?
Well, it really is very simple.
You see, studies show that when baby monkeys
are taken away from their mothers,
they can transfer their love to fake mothers.
And the same thing is happening with Stan.
I mean, he's weaning himself from his relationship with me
by using a fake monkey for companionship.
Why not use a fake woman?
Oh, well, honey,
that's why Stan went to the psychiatrist in the first place.
Girls, guess what?
You know that Save the McKinley Lighthouse campaign
I've been talking about?
Mmm, no.
Oh, sure you do. I've told you about it 200 times.
No.
Boy, it's like you people don't pay any attention to me whatsoever.
Hey, when did you sneak in?
Listen, I just got the television station
to give me eight hours of air time for the telethon.
Rose, that's wonderful.
The only thing is, there are so many things to get organized.
I'm gonna have to get somebody to help me do this.
Well, you could sign me up. I would love to help.
You?
Oh, you'd turn the telethon into a disgusting manhunt.
A disgusting manhunt.
What a great idea!
Oh, see, we'll all get dressed in little safari outfits,
and we'll have the men in cages.
Then we'll let them out and they'll all run around in loincloths.
And every man who gets caught will donate $50,
and then we'll get to take them home with us.
Well, fine.
Save your own damn lighthouse.
Oh, Ma, what time does Gloria's plane get in?
Oh, she's not taking a plane.
Not taking a plane? Well, that's impossible.
I mean, how else would she...
Oh, no. Oh, no. You mean...
A bus?
She took the bus from California.
Yes!
(DOORBELL RINGING)
All right, knock it off. That's probably her.
Now, you said you'd be nice.
And don't mention she's broke.
Oh, Ma, now why would I do that?
She's my sister.
Besides, I want to hear it from her mouth.
Dorothy. Gloria.
Ma.
Gloria. Oh, my little girl.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh, no, I understand. Buses.
Won't you sit down?
Oh, I thought I heard that doorbell. Gloria.
Oh, hi, Blanche. Hi, Rose. Hello.
Look at this. My two little girls at home again.
So, uh, Gloria, I understand you're, uh...
Happier than I've ever been.
Can you believe it?
It's like I get to completely start over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
You're starting over because you've lost all of your...
Constraint.
My ties.
I feel like now I can begin to live again.
I can do anything.
I can even do what you...
What is it you do again, Dorothy?
I'm a substitute teacher.
Oh, no, I'd be a real teacher.
I am a real teacher.
Oh, look, Ma.
Her ears are starting to get all red.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Someone's getting mad.
My ears are not getting red.
You know, you do this every time.
You just come in here and start pushing my buttons.
Well, it's not gonna work.
Now go ahead, hide your pain.
I can wait.
So, you two are sisters.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That's Stan. Rose, would you get the door?
Oh, is Stan still as crazy as ever?
No, as a matter of fact, he's not.
We've been going to a therapist together,
and he's making some wonderful progress.
Hi. It's me, Stan.
And who's that good-looking monkey with you?
Don't be condescending.
I know it's silly, but it's doctor's orders.
It's just a tool to help me get over Dorothy.
Can I hold him?
Are your hands clean?
Hello, Stan.
Gloria. What are you doing here?
You usually don't like to slum it with this part of the family.
Stan, please. She's out of M-O-N-E-Y.
Yeah, well, she's not getting mine.
She's not out of monkey, Stan.
She's out of money.
Come on. Let's go.
Out of money, is she? Well, how ironic.
You're broke, and I have all the money I want.
Not to mention my self-respect
and my monkey.
And a good-looking monkey it is.
Is it me, or is that a traffic cone?
Jealous?
Come on, Dorothy, we better get going.
After our session, I have an important dinner meeting with some investors.
Oh, my God, Stan, you're not taking your monkey, are you?
Please, they are Japanese investors.
The last thing I would do would be to offend them.
She'll be at a separate table with the other wives.
No, no, Mrs. Gutman.
Honestly, there's no hurricane coming.
Yes, yes, yes, I heard about Ida Pearlberg.
She's 5'2" and weighs 200 pounds.
I'd be shocked if she didn't have leg cramps.
No, Mrs. Gutman, I'm not making fun of you.
Good. Well, I'll see you Tuesday.
Fine, if there is a Tuesday.
Sorry for the interruptions,
but I think every 80-year-old in the city has gone berserk.
Hey, what can you say? There are some sick people out there.
(LAUGHING)
Uh, by the way, uh, will my monkey be okay on my lap,
or should I get a chair?
I have a place for your monkey, Stan.
Well, Dorothy, it sounds like you're a little hostile toward the monkey.
You want to talk about it?
What's to talk about?
I had to ride in the back seat all the way over.
Stan said the monkey called shotgun.
Well, Dorothy, I don't think you'd feel this way
if you read my book, Monkey Love.
Stan came to me as a needy person.
I've shown him that he can be happy with an inanimate object.
In other words, Stan, you are now an independent person.
You don't need this monkey.
Wait a minute, Doc, you're not thinking about taking away Fifi, are you?
Okay, maybe I jumped the gun here.
Not having read Monkey Love,
uh, Doctor, how many of your patients don't get off the monkey?
Over half.
But the monkey keeps getting smaller,
until ultimately, it's the size of a keychain.
Dorothy, why don't you and Stan say your goodbyes?
Stan, can you come back tomorrow?
Well, we were thinking about playing bridge.
Oh, Stanley, stop that!
Dorothy, in any event, your part here is done,
and I'm gonna recommend as the concluding
and most important step in your treatment,
that you both spend at least two years apart.
No phone calls. No visits. Nothing.
You're both okay with that?
Oh, yeah.
I'll try.
Okay, why don't you both just say what's on your minds and in your hearts?
Okay.
Well, Dorothy, I'm sorry this couldn't work out.
Thank you for 38 years of love
and friendship and memories.
I'll cherish them always.
Stan,
ciao.
You should do what I do.
I find if I repeat a word that's confused me,
I look smarter than I really am.
Like, "Was it cathartic?"
"Oh, I've had a catharticism."
"Of course, I'm not the type to kiss and cathartirize."
I tell you, I am still stunned.
I mean, I just can't get over that Stan is gone forever.
I'm finally free.
Really? Oh, and I feel great.
As a matter of fact, a toast.
Okay.
To finality and closure.
To husbands being out of our lives, and gone forever!
(BOTH GROANING)
Dorothy!
No, wait, wait. Th-This is good.
I mean, don't cry. Why are you crying?
Our husbands are dead, you monster.
I'm sorry. I mean, I didn't mean it that way.
Oh, come on now, let's celebrate.
Celebrate? You don't know what it's like
to have a husband die and leave you with nothin'.
Just a closet full of suits that you spend
the rest of your lonely life tryin' to get rid of.
What are you, anyway, a 42 regular?
Look, I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive,
but in every relationship there are always times
when you don't wanna be with each other.
I mean, Stan and I went through a period
where we had no marital relations at all.
I totally cut off his sex.
You mean it grows back?
Yes, Rose. He's a lizard.
I mean, we stopped having sex.
Boy, I could never do that.
Oh, big surprise.
I'm amazed you're taking a break now.
All right, leaving your husbands out of this,
haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended?
Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer?
Don't you remember? The one who played Goofy at Disney World.
I remember the passion, yes.
Do you remember why it didn't work out?
It just didn't. Right. But why not?
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, Rose, honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.
He took off the Goofy head.
See, that's not so bad.
Hurricane supplies, coming through.
What makes you so certain about the storm, Sophia?
Because I'm old. I know. I've seen everything twice.
Except Bonfire of the Vanities.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Ma, listen, I just got back from my session
and I've got some great news.
Ma, it's over. He is gone.
He is out of our lives forever.
Yeah, forever.
Forever, like my husband, Sal.
(SOBBING)
What is everyone's problem around here?
Ma, I'm talking about Stan.
I... I feel renewed.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Then maybe you should share some of that happiness with your sister.
Ma, face it. We just don't get along.
You're family, you should force yourself to get along.
She needs you.
Oh, Dorothy.
Gloria, hello.
We were just talking about you.
How are you?
(SOBBING)
Oh, nice going, Dorothy.
I asked her how she was doing.
I mean, it's not as if I mentioned her dead husband.
(ALL SOBBING)
Gloria, you okay?
I just had a bad day.
I guess I'm a little scared.
I don't know, maybe I was too confident when I got here,
trying to convince myself I was happy.
I guess I'm really lonely.
Oh, Gloria, I understand.
Oh, I know you understand, Dorothy.
That's why I came to you.
I'm miserable, with no prospects.
Oh, Dorothy, how do you do it?
Day after day. Year after year.
I feel lost.
Well, honey, look, you're in a new city,
you're poor, you're a single woman.
You have no money.
I know, but... I mean, you're poor.
Now, you think about that.
Every last cent is gone. No mas dinero.
Dorothy!
But I'm your sister and I'm here for you.
I guess I've just been feeling sorry for myself.
Thinking, "I'm all alone. No one loves me. Poor Gloria."
Literally.
All right, I'll tell you what, Gloria,
right now you're lonely, you're disoriented.
Maybe you need a little distraction.
Why don't I introduce you to some men?
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING) No, no, I'm sorry.
Good idea. You, Dorothy, can intro...
Can introduce Gloria to... To... Men.
Oh, gosh, that feels good!
Listen, um, I'm sorry for crying.
Me, too.
♪ But how can you thank someone
♪ Who's taken you from crayons to perfume?
♪ It isn't easy, but I'll try
♪ To Sir, with love
Oh, bravo! Bravissimo! Encore! Encore!
Date me!
Blanche!
Well, he was good.
He was not. He was just a man.
I mean, you've said yes to all the men
and you've been discriminating against the women.
I have not.
Just so happens all the women we've seen have been horrible.
(PIANO PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Thank you!
Well, that's all for now.
But, uh, ma'am, we really do need some female acts.
Uh, you might want to tell your friend
not to be so capricious with her judgments.
Ah, yes, indeed.
For, as we all know, it's the capricious person
whose capriciosity is never truly caprified.
Hi, girls. How's it going? Hello, hello.
Well, Angelo, what are you doing here?
My brother wants to try out for the telethon.
I got a song I used to sing with my partner.
We called ourselves Tino and Fino.
I'm warning you, Angelo. No political stuff.
We don't wanna have any trouble.
(SCOFFS)
Uh, where's Fino?
Ah, Fino is... Well, finito.
He was killed, quite ironically,
in a banana-packing plant.
Why was that ironical?
Excuse me, I'm...
I must've made a mistake in my English.
It was quite comical.
I gotta go limber up.
Hi, Ma.
Dorothy, good, I need to talk to you.
Well, of course. What's up?
Listen, Dorothy, maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm just being too critical.
But you know how you been fixing me up with men?
Ho! Ma!
Oh, you haven't had a good time.
Maybe you shouldn't be with strangers right now.
You should be with family and--and friends.
You know, people you know.
You know, you're right. That would help.
Right now, my life feels like one frightening gaping maw
ready to consume me.
Did you ever feel like that?
Every day.
And then something changed.
I made friends, I found support.
And, of course, I had Ma.
Frightening, gaping Ma.
(LAUGHING)
You know something, it's kind of nice having a sister around.
Say, why don't we put Ma back in her room,
and then you can room with me.
I mean, it'll be kinda fun.
We'll get to know each other again.
I think that would be wonderful.
Gee, I wonder where Gloria is?
I was thinking of surprising her,
inviting her to lunch.
I don't get it.
All of a sudden you two are best friends?
Well, maybe I've changed.
For once, everything is going well.
My sister is in my life.
Stan is out of my life.
I'm not even going to see him for two whole years.
Everything is perfect.
Hush, pussycat. Ida's ankles are swelled up like a blowfish.
Let's see how the hurricane's going.
REPORTER ON TV: Repeat, South Florida is now under a hurricane watch.
We'll keep tracking the storm
to see if it's going to come our way.
I can't believe it, the Eastern Seaboard's history.
God, it feels good to be right!
(REPORTER CHATTERING ON TV) Well, I'm not gonna let any bad news affect me today.
I am in control of my fate.
For once in her life, Dorothy Zbornak is the master
of her own destiny.
I am woman. Hear me roar.
(SCREAMS)
Dorothy.
Gloria, Stan.
Good news, Dorothy. I'm off the monkey.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
I feel light-headed.
I think I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
No, I'm okay.
Are you okay?
(LAUGHING) Oh, what a dream.
I dreamt that you and Stan were in bed together.
Isn't that silly?
Oh, I mean, my loving sister
and the man I despise most.
Oh, God, the nightmare continues!
How could you do this? How could you do this to me?
Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-coming.
Fierce winds and driving rains.
Who knows what's gonna happen to all of us?
I felt scared and vulnerable.
Oh, Stan, you big, bald girl.
Look, I know it's wrong, but I was confused.
So I called Dr. Halperin, he's coming over right away.
This... This is all my fault. No, it's my fault.
Maybe it's my fault.
I mean, who goes to their room
in the middle of the day without knocking?
Oh, pussycat, you've come to.
Boy, it wasn't easy getting you in here.
Stan took your head, Gloria took your legs.
I haven't heard such heavy breathing since...
Well, since before you passed out.
Ma, please! Oh, come on.
When I said that to Stan,
he laughed so hard he dropped you.
Ma, you sound happy about this.
I am. This is wonderful. Your sister found a man.
I don't believe this.
All the years I was with him he was a yutz.
She goes to bed with him and it's great?
That's right. He was wrong for you. He's perfect for her.
Ma, that's ridiculous.
Look, Gloria isn't the kind of woman that does well by herself.
She's the kind of woman who needs a rich man to buy her things
and make her feel special.
Oh? And what kind of woman am I?
The kind who should live with her mother.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, come in, Doctor. Oh, Dorothy.
Hello, Dorothy. Oh, Carol, this isn't a good time.
Well, you know me. When is it a good time?
Besides, I'm with him. We were on a date when you beeped him.
What? You two are seeing each other?
You know, for years my father's been telling me to see a psychiatrist.
I couldn't understand why.
And then a couple of weeks ago, it dawned on me.
He probably meant socially.
Oh, it's wonderful. They really listen.
She really talks.
Nice robe.
Why don't I put you down for an extra session this week?
Uh, look, Carol, it's nice to see you,
but this is really a rather personal matter.
Oh, don't worry, Richie tells me about all his cases.
That isn't true, is it, Richie?
Don't worry. I tell her things in very general terms,
and I make up wild, crazy names for my patients,
so there's no way she could know who I was talking about.
Yeah, but nevertheless... Oh, my God. I'm in the way. I can go in the kitchen.
Why don't I go in the kitchen?
You know, I used to worry that I would miss something,
but that was before Richie.
He's making me so unneurotic.
Don't talk about me. It'll kill me.
So, kids, what's going on?
Well, Doc, I have some news.
I sort of slept with Dorothy's sister.
Hey, you're off the monkey. Mazel tov.
Oh, my God. What is it?
You're Dan and Morothy.
Wild and crazy names?
Carol, this is a different Dan and Morothy.
You mean these aren't the two nuts who couldn't stop seeing each other?
Dan, a sex-crazed nudnik with occasional performance problems,
and Morothy, a domineering tyrant who totally emasculated him?
No more calls. We have a winner.
I can't believe this.
An hour ago, my life was perfect.
I was finally rid of Dan,
I felt good about my sister being back,
and now this.
How am I supposed to cope with this?
Believe me, Dorothy, it won't happen again.
Right. It was a mistake. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Okay, we had a slip up here.
But better in the first two years of the separation than later.
Stan, you have to try again.
Dorothy, if you need to talk about how you feel, I'm always here for you.
And half price, because of the Dan and Morothy thing.
Carol, come on.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What would make Stan do such a thing?
Well, strict Freudians would call it a co-dependence transference.
But if you ask me, men are pigs.
REPORTER ON TV: The first effects of Hurricane Gil
are now directly being felt along the South Florida coast.
Oh, have all the acts shown up?
REPORTER ON TV: A The first effects of Hurricane Gil
are now directly being felt along the South Florida coast.
Oh, have all the acts shown up?
Are we all set? Where's the emcee?
All set? Ladies, trees are falling,
power lines are down everywhere,
you go on in two minutes, only one of your acts has shown up,
and you got eight hours to fill.
What are you gonna do?
Well, let me tell you something, mister.
It doesn't matter how many of our acts have shown up.
It doesn't matter how many hours of air time we have to fill.
There is only one thing that matters here.
The indomitable devotion
that Rose and I have in our hearts for that windmill.
It's a devotion for that windmill.
It's a love for that windmill.
And as God as our witness, we are going to save that windmill.
It's a lighthouse, Blanche.
We're saving the McKinley Lighthouse.
That eyesore?
That's the one.
We're gonna make this a great telethon.
Listen, we'll do the entertaining ourselves if we have to.
All right, ladies, you're on in 10 seconds.
In 10...
Oh. Well, really... Right. I've got to...
Five, four, three, two...
No, no!
You do it. You talk.
Hello, this is Rose Nylund.
And this is Blanche Devereaux.
Hi, boys.
And we're going to be with you for the next eight hours
on the Save the McKinley Lighthouse Telethon.
So, please call the number that's flashing on your screen
to make your pledges.
And, uh, for that handsome guy in the red corvette
that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday,
you can call my personal number
which is flashin' on your screen now.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I'll get it.
While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head over to the piano?
I'd like to sing you a song
that I used to sing as a child.
It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled,
I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There.
(PLAYING PIANO)
♪ Oom pah, pah
♪ What the hell is that hair? ♪
Rose? We just got a pledge for $20.
Oh, let's go to the tote board.
Drum roll.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
We're off to a good start.
Okay, now, where was I?
Oh, yes, where Hans first spots the hair.
♪ Oom pah, pah
Rose? Rose, I just got a pledge for $50,
if you will stop singin'.
That's right.
50 bucks if she stops singing,
and I'll throw in another 50 if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.
Ma, after Gloria and I get the patio door boarded up,
we really should head for the shelter.
Oh, Dorothy.
What's the matter, kitten?
Oh, I'm just so mad at myself.
You and I were finally beginning to get close
and I had to go and do something stupid.
I just feel so terrible.
And the odd thing is, I wouldn't have thought
to give Stan a second look if Ma hadn't insisted.
What are you talking about?
Well, Ma practically pushed us together.
Mama, may I see you in the kitchen?
You look mighty pretty today, pussycat.
This isn't going to work, you little stick person.
What did I do?
You fixed my ex-husband up with my sister!
You don't see anything wrong with that?
That's perfectly normal.
Do you know, in some primitive societies,
it's considered good manners to give your ex-husband to your sister?
In some primitive societies
they leave their elderly out in a field for large birds to feed on.
Where do we draw the line?
Right before the large bird thing.
Dorothy, she was just trying to help.
And I never actually thought Stan sent me those flowers.
You sent her flowers?
Well, I had to get the ball rolling somehow.
You have really done it this time.
Now, I don't blame you for this, Gloria.
This is your fault.
You never take my feelings into consideration.
You can't act like this anymore,
I can't take it.
I won't take it.
Dorothy.
Dorothy, wait.
Fine. You don't want to take it anymore, you don't have to take it.
See how well you do without me.
(CHIRPING)
And now, I'd like to do a happy cricket.
Note the difference.
(CHIRPING)
That's great.
Do you do any other insects?
Well, I do a grasshopper that...
Nah, you can't do it on TV.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you, Davey Cricket.
And now, let's see how Blanche is doing
on the phones. Blanche?
Oh, nothing here, Rose. Back to you.
Oh, wait! I have a bulletin.
"The intensity of Hurricane Gil has increased dramatically.
"Several boats at the marina have been beached or capsized."
Oh, and here's an item of particular interest.
"The McKinley Lighthouse has been completely destroyed."
What did you say?
I repeat.
"The McKinley Lighthouse has been completely destroyed."
Oh, that's not good for us.
No.
What about our telethon?
The telethon is over. The station manager just told me
they're turning the airwaves over
to the National Weather Service.
This studio has been designated an official hurricane shelter.
Oh, well, fine. But, uh, before I go,
I would like to make one final plea.
Now, I know there is goodness in your heart
and I know you want to give.
Well, I am ready to take anything you have to offer.
Share with me.
Ma'am, we've been off the air for two minutes.
I know it. I'm talking to Chester on camera two.
Share with me, Chester.
Ma? Ma, are you home? Ma, don't hide.
Ma?
No, you're too smart to hide in the same place twice.
Ma?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(WIND HOWLING)
Hello, ma'am. Are you the resident here?
Oh, my God. It's my mother.
No, ma'am, I'm a police officer.
I'm aware of that.
Listen, ma'am, we're evacuating everyone on this street.
I'd love to come with you, but I can't find my mother. She's disappeared.
I'm sorry, but everybody has to come with us.
Believe me, if she's out there, we'll find her.
Well, look, give me a few minutes. I have to check the bedrooms.
Can I show the kid Blanche's room while we're waiting?
Nah, let him be surprised.
Oh, my God.
Dorothy.
Gloria! Stan!
Hey, deja vu, huh, babe?
Just tell me why.
Why in this house?
Why in my bed again?
Dorothy, this place has memories for us.
This is the place where Gloria and I first...
Well, I don't have to tell you. You were there.
Dorothy, it just happened.
I know you think it's wrong,
but it's not a crime, you know.
Yes, it is. Officers?
You brought the cops? That's right. I came prepared.
Officers, shoot these people.
You heard me, I'm a tax payer.
Shoot them.
No can do, ma'am.
Well, you have to do something. I mean, this is ridiculous.
My mother is missing because of these two people
who can't keep their hands off each other.
Dorothy, please. You're being irrational.
Yes, I am a pig.
Oh, yeah? What precinct?
Listen, ma'am, we're evacuating the entire neighborhood.
So the three of you are gonna have to put away the fight
until we get down to the shelter.
We will be waiting in the car.
Oh, come on now. You can too shoot them.
I cannot shoot them. I can only shoot looters.
Oh, I understand.
Stan, pick up the TV on your way out, will you?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, Sophia.
I was getting ready to go to the shelter.
What are you doing here?
Angelo, you're my big brother.
I can only come to you. I'm in trouble.
Then the boy will marry you.
No, no, it's nothing like that.
I'm having problems with Dorothy and Gloria.
I'm a terrible mother.
You're a wonderful mother.
No, I really upset my Dorothy.
She's at a very difficult age.
Just out of menopause, but the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.
That is an awkward time.
And Gloria, she's my baby.
She hasn't even lost any of her adult teeth yet.
I'd kill for a piece of corn that wasn't creamed.
I've done a very stupid thing, Angelo.
I arranged for Stan and Gloria to get together.
I should have known better.
It's like when they were young.
Whenever Gloria took one of Dorothy's old toys,
Dorothy would get interested again and want it back.
I can still hear her yelling,
"Gloria took my stick. Gloria took my stick."
Boy, we come from a poor family.
But the way I see it is, you gave Stan to Gloria.
But Stan is not a stick.
He's not a Betsy Wetsy. He's not a rubber ball.
He's a man.
You are so wise.
I listen to a lot of talk radio.
I think your love for one child blinded your love for the other.
But I think you did Dorothy wrong,
and I think you must make it right.
(CRASHING)
What is that? We'd better get to the shelter.
What is this?
Oh, the entrance is blocked.
We can't get out! We're gonna die!
All right, don't worry. I have a plan.
They taught me how to deal
with emergencies in the Italian Army.
Help! Help!
Please help! Help!
Blanche, what are you doing with all that candy?
Well, whenever there is a natural disaster, you know,
some unscrupulous opportunist always hoards all the food.
Well, this time I decided it might as well be me.
Oh, look, I've given those cops long enough.
I just have to go out there and try to find Ma.
Dorothy, you can't go out there.
Well, Rose, I can't just sit here.
But it is too dangerous.
Oh, I remember back in St. Olaf,
during a tornado, my mother left the storm cellar
to find Toto.
Her constant companion and favorite cow.
Why are we nice to her?
The point is, when mother went out in the storm,
she got quite a bump on her head.
For the rest of her days, she kept trying to get that cow
in the little basket on the front of her bicycle.
Can you believe it? The machines are all empty.
Oh, that's terrible.
Would you like a Clark bar?
Sure.
$2.50.
It's nice to be able to talk again
like human beings, like friends.
I said $2.50, Stan. Sorry.
Dorothy, what's happening to us?
I don't know. I was thinking about it myself.
I don't approve of you and Gloria,
but if you honestly love her...
You know, I don't think I love her.
I'm realizing that maybe I was with her just to make you jealous.
It was the same thing with the monkey.
You know something, Stan?
I was a little jealous.
Dorothy, it was just an old traffic cone
with a monkey head on the top.
Jealous of my sister, you idiot.
You're right.
You know, this is what I miss.
You calling me "idiot."
You slamming the door in my face when I come over.
I know what you mean.
We weren't that happy when we were married.
We weren't that happy when we were going to remarry.
Seems our relationship works best when we're just plain divorced.
I don't want to spend two years without speaking to you.
No, we shouldn't, Stan.
We share children.
We share grandchildren.
And I like slamming the door in your face.
This is great. We should celebrate.
Let's pop open a soda and make a toast.
Nice try. Five bucks.
Mrs. Zbornak, we found your mother.
Ma, are you okay?
Of course, I'm okay.
Oh, Ma. Thank God. Give me a hug.
Okay, now you two hug.
Go on, or I'm going back out into the hurricane.
Dorothy, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be.
I'm just so glad to have my mother and my sister back.
Aren't they cute?
Yeah, and I've had them both.
You're right, Dorothy. He is a pig.
Sophia, I'm so glad you're safe,
and I have some good news.
The stage manager just told me the hurricane is breaking up
and we're only going to have to stay here a few more hours.
Well, I'm gonna go tell everybody.
Don't you dare. First, we sell them candy.
Dorothy, I want to talk to you.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the stick.
What stick?
The stick. The one with the sock on it with the buttons for the eyes?
You mean Scout?
You know where Scout is?
Look, I'm sorry I gave the stick to your sister when you were a kid.
And I'm sorry about the other thing, too.
You mean about giving Stan to Gloria?
Yeah, that and the stick.
I'm sorry about those two things.
You know what, Ma? I love you.
And I'm glad you're safe.
And I forgive you.
You make me sick.
Here's the latest information now on Hurricane Gil.
The hurricane has turned to the north
and is now heading away from South Florida,
but the coastal sections have been affected.
We have reports from Miami Beach
of flooding along Collins Avenue
and Ocean Drive in the Art Deco District.
Top winds have been reported at about 95 miles per hour
in gusts along the coast
and about 75 miles per hour at the Miami airport
in the inland sections.
Now, remember, hurricane season is not over.
The tropics are still very active, and we have two storms,
one affecting Puerto Rico and the other, Jamaica, tonight.